Not off to a good start. :(

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Well, the last day I posted was the 15th so, I am not off to a good start with this blog thing. ( SMH ) I am going to try to do better. Let's say I had a very bipolar week I guess. Well, when I am in a mood that is what I am told.  I am the one with the label so it is my fault. It is never because of someone else that my mood is some type of way.  However, that discussion will come at a later time. 

So, you know a little about me. Now I am going to try to briefly tell you about the shitbags in my life that have caused me nothing but heartache, pain, and grief. When I say shitbags I am putting it nicely. I don't know what I did so wrong in my past life that I got stuck with these assholes!!

So, let us start with my dear ol'sperm donor. Yes, my so-called Biological father. I don't know a whole lot about him. I only know what I have been told and eventually what he has told me himself. Being him I don't give what he says much thought because he is a retired, violent, abusive, drunk!  As I became older and learned more and more of the things happening in my younger life it eventually opened up so many questions yet answered so many in a way.  All I ever knew was my stepfather, I thought him in my life was how life was. I didn't have much of a social life or friends for that matter to know any better. again for a later date as to why. So back to my donor. Growing up I feared him even though I never met him, what I was told and made to believe he was a monster right out of the pits of hell. 

I would love to paste his name all over this blog because I am sure a lot of people don't know his dirty secrets. Many think he is a decent man. Just goes to show you, that you never know what a person is truly like or what they are capable of.   So this is going to probably be jumbled and all over but I  don't know have to put any of it in proper order. So I am going to tell you what my mother, stepfather, brother, and sister have told me about this man.   Just for vision purposes, I want to let you know my mother was 5 foot 2 inches and about 99 pounds soaking wet. and my father was 6 foot 4 inches and I am sure he weighed 10 times more than her, he was a big guy. Kinda looked like Abraham Lincon to be  

So let's call him Daddy S. So besides being an abusive drunk Daddy S. was also an over-the-road truck driver.  So, thankful for that at least my mother and my halfsister and halfbrother had some downtime from the evil he created when he was home.  Just to be noted I was very young when my mom left him. I believe I may have been 2 or 3 years old.  So, you know Daddy S. is not the father of my sister and brother. We all had the same mom. Their father was a real nice man. and in no way what I am about to say is being judgemental or hurtful in any way. The reason my mom left this man who was husband number one was, that she didn't like that she came home from work and caught him in bed with another man. So yup that was divorce court for my mama. However, out of all three husbands that mess up seemed like a little booboo compared to the other two yo-yo's.

So, anyway Daddy S. was very, very abusive. he would beat my mother up something fierce. I don't get why anyone thinks something like that is just ok to do. But he had beaten her so badly that one time, A priest came to the hospital the first time..( yup first time there will be another ) to read her, her last rights.  The second time is when she almost burned to death running into a burning building because she thought Daddy S. was trapped inside. When she opened the door the backdraft fucked her up!!!  She survived and you couldn't even tell it happened after she healed. For, the life of me I don't know what she was thinking. After all the shit this man did to her, Fuck he would have burned the fuck up in that building. No way in hell would I have gone in there. That would have been an oopsie and call me crazy for it I don't care.  I would have picked up some hot dogs and smores and had a party right then and there singing The Hubby, the Hubby, the Hubbies on Fire! We don't need any water—Let the motherfucker burn! Burn, motherfucker, burn!  Anyway, besides the beatings he would tie her up and leave her that way for days and have his way with her. He would have other men come, he would screw another woman in front of her and make her watch than have his way with her again after.  That's only a few things that I was told, I know there is more but my mother didn't want me to know that I was conceived by the devil.  He also used to hurt my sister and brother, and lock them in a barn for hours; Not sure why.  I just assumed that they were not in the house during the time of his little sex parties.  The only thing I was told he did to me was throw me in the pool when I first came home from the hospital because he watched a water baby show.  My Mom said I sunk of course and she had to jump in to save me.  Also, I had to stand in the corner for hours because I didn't know how to tie my shoes. Mind you I wasn't even old enough yet to know how. And last but not least he kidnapped me when I was about 4 or 5 and hid me in his tractor while he was on long haul. Yes, you read that right. He snatches me from my grandmother's yard. From what I understand for several weeks. All law enforcement including the FBI was looking for me. I don't remember much. I can remember bits and pieces I think Like his truck and the lady he was traveling with. Later I found out he was married. I also found out later that he knew and was friends with my stepfather. And I remember visiting my grandmother and never being able to go outside. You know how hard and awful that is for a young kid. Being trapped like an animal. 

I didn't even speak to Daddy S. until I was in my middle twenties. He found me on Facebook. I did try to have a relationship with him. However, when he told me he watched my mother walk in the custody hearing with him and me in his arms he just walked away thinking to himself I would be better off.  Well, that was the last time I ever talked to him. My flesh and blood, no matter if he was the devil,  allowed his tiny daughter to go to a man freely who was just as sick and disgusting as he was. So what does that tell me? One he never loved me or missed me as he had claimed. And I am pretty sure sooner or later I would have been tied up for the games he liked to play.  

Wow, never really realized how much all this has fucked me up till I am sitting here writing it. I know I am messed up because of it, but I never knew how deep the scars were. Saddens me. I heard the stories of him but, in my little girl brain, I used to dream of what he was like in my eyes. I wanted my daddy, not this fat pig stepfather I had. I dreamed of him showing up in his big rig, all apologetic and meaning every word because he just wanted his little girl. He wanted to see her grow up happy and safe. well, that's all it fucking was a dream. Cause let me tell you my nightmare of life gets worse a lot fucking worse. 

I have to end there for now and pick it up at another time. Just thinking of all that and I am sure I forgot things, it took a toll on me both physically and mentally. My head hurts and is overcrowded. I can't think of one specific thing. A lot of whys floating around. I always think I am this awful child, who later just became an adult-sized awful person. What did I do in my past life to be born into this? This is where my beliefs in God are a joke. People tell me he's training me to be a soldier. Shut the FUCK UP!! Training me the day I popped the hell out of my mother. Please. Training me for what? To hate life? Question my very existence? Feel like a Deadman walking every single day. To go my whole life with this fake smile or pretending I have my life together when in reality I am an emotionally ticking time bomb that at any minute can take myself out or someone else. 

Yeah, can you see how my mind just went crazy there? All it takes is the tiniest thing to trigger a wave of emotions that are all over. It is such a bad place to be, in my head I mean. So many unanswered questions as to why that I'll never have the answer to. Like I said I don't think I am Bipolar, I am this way cause that's what life handed me. Fucked me up right out of the GATE with no chance of return. 

Love, be kind, and stay strong ???? 

?? Out for now! ??????

                                                                                                                                                             Song of the Day: House of Pain,by Faster Pussycats

Regulation and Society adoption

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